Marriage that lasts – There are times when marriage feels like we are just treading water. What can we do? We were invited to attend a marriage class, this is some great information that was shared. Click on the links to learn more. Choose Your Spouse – Love, Value and Respect Your Choice.
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Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two. Louis De Bernieres
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“Two people coming from different backgrounds soon learn after the ceremony is performed that stark reality must be faced. There is no longer a life of fantasy or of make-believe; we must come out of the clouds and put our feet firmly on the earth. Responsibility must be assumed and new duties must be accepted. Some personal freedoms must be relinquished and many adjustments, unselfish adjustments, must be made.
One comes to realize very soon after marriage that the spouse has weaknesses not previously revealed or discovered. The virtues that were constantly magnified during courtship now grow relatively smaller, and the weaknesses that seemed so small and insignificant during courtship now grow to sizable proportions…The habits of years now show themselves; the spouse may be stingy or prodigal, lazy or industrious, devout or irreligious, kind and cooperative or petulant and cross, demanding or giving, egotistical or self-effacing. The in-law problem comes closer into focus and the relationship of the spouses to them is again magnified.” Spencer W. Kimball
“While every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.” Spencer W. Kimball
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Recommended Book – “The Case for marriage”
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“Ingredients of a happy marriage – by Alexandra Stoddard, designer & author – The key to a rich and full relationship is commitment. When you promise and pledge yourself to each other, you connect in an entirely new and meaningful way. You give your devotion, dedication and trust. You join together to help each other live fully. You jump in with both feet and recognize that it is now up to you to create your own happiness together. There will be many exciting surprises. No marriage sails along on smooth waters indefinitely. There will be stormy times too.
Take time each week to review your commitment to your love and your shared goals. Couples encountering hard times such as illness, the death of a parent or friends, unemployment, a troubled child are best faced together. When two people are determined to think positively, these life events can be turned from obstacles into challenges. As you support and comfort each other, your marriage will actually grow stronger.
After you make a commitment and join in equal partnership with your spouse, have some fun and keep the romance alive. Make it a goal to live beautifully every day, enriching and expanding each other’s vision while at the same time exploring your indiviudal talents. Live as lovers. Whisper, kiss, touch, listen. Share silences and laughter. Share dreams and fantasies. Always remember we make our own happiness. This is your life on earth and you are responsible. Treat each other with kindness, tenderness and respect. This simple formula works.
Spend as much quality time together as possible. Hold hands and hug a lot. All the little things you do together bring joy.”
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Destructive ways of talking to each other
Criticism: Attacking someone’s personality or character…usually with blame.
Contempt: Insulting or demeaning the spouse, indicating by words or actions that one believes the spouse to be “stupid, disgusting, incompetent, a fool.”
Defensiveness: Responding defensively to complaints, criticism, or contempt by making excuses, denying, arguing, whining, or counter-blaming rather than trying to solve the problem.
Stonewalling: Withdrawing physically or emotionally from the relationship when disagreements occur, becoming like a stone wall.
Ways to interact Positively:
Show interest in what your spouse has to say.
Be affectionate through acts of tenderness, holding hands, and expressing love.
Showing you care through small acts of thoughtfulness, occasional gifts, and telephone calls.
Showing appreciation by expressing thanks, giving compliments, and expressing pride in your spouse.
Showing concern when your spouse is troubled.
Being empathic, showing you understand and feel what your spouse is feeling.
Being accepting, letting your spouse know that you accept and respect what he or she said, even when you disagree with it.
Joking around and having fun together without being offensive.
Sharing joy when excited or delighted.
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Tips to building better communication:
1. When you want to talk about concerns and problems with your spouse, pick a comfortable setting, one free of distractions or interruptions. Choose a place where the two of you can be alone.
2. Talk face to face, close enough to touch each other and with enough light to see each others features clearly.
3. Express your thoughts and feelings by using “I” messages rather than “You” messages (blaming and criticizing statements). Try “I feel unimportant when I don’t get to explain the problem” instead of “You never listen to me!”
4. Keep your comments brief….
5. Don’t put your spouse on the defensive. Express negative feelings in a respectful manner, such as, “When I am criticized, I feel angry and hurt.” Say how you want the burgers cooked rather than criticizing after they are done. Accentuate the positive.
6. Don’t hide your feelings behind jargon. Instead, be kindly straightforward about what you really feel and think.
7. Make requests clear and respectful: “I’d like you to put gas in the car this morning. Do you think you might have time to do that?
8. Do not try to be a mind reader. The only way to find out what your spouse thinks or feels is to ask.
9. Do not blame, demean, or accuse. Focus on the problem rather than criticizing. Use the no-fault approach: “I’m uncomfortable/unhappy with the situation. Let’s talk about what we can do to change it.”
10. Remember that listening, controlling anger, and using the appropriate tones of voice all contribute to good communication. Nagging, conversational discourtesies, and sullen silence detract from it.
“There is magic in words properly used. Words cause hearts to throb and tears to flow in sympathy. words can be sincere or hypocritical. Many of us are destitute of words and consequently are clumsy with our speech.” Spencer W. Kimball
“I hear so many complaints from men and women that they cannot communicate with one another. Perhaps I am naive, but I do not understand this. Communication is essentially a matter of conversation. They must have communicated when they were courting. Can they not continue to speak together after marriage? Can they not discuss with one another in an open frank and candid and happy way – their interests, their problems, their challenges, their desires? It seems to me that communication is largely a matter of talking with one another. But let that talk be quiet, for quiet talk is the language of love. It is the language of peace. It is the language of God…The voice of heaven is a still small voice. The voice of peace in the home is a quiet voice.” Gordon B. Hinckley
“We are a covenant people. I have had the feeling that if we could just encourage our people to live by three or four covenants everything else would take care of itself; we would not have to have anything else except to go forward with our program.
The first of these is the covenant of the sacrament, in which we take upon ourselves the name of the Savior and agree to keep His commandments with the promise in His covenant that he will bless us with His spirit. If our people would go to sacrament meeting every week and reflect as they partake of the sacrament on the meaning of the prayers which are offered…if they would listen to the language of those prayers, which were given by revelation, and live by them, what better people all of us would be. That is the importance of sacrament meeting. The speakers are incidental.
Next is the covenants of the temple: sacrifice, the willingness to sacrifice for the Lord’s work – inherent in that law of sacrifice is the very essence of the Atonement, the ultimate sacrifice made by the Son of God in behalf of each of us. Consecration, which is associated with it, a willingness to give everything, if need be, to help the on-rolling of this great work. And a covenant of love and loyalty one to another in the bonds of marriage, fidelity, chastity, and morality.
If our people could only learn to live by these covenants, everything else would take care of itself, I am satisfied. We would not have to worry about sacrament meeting attendance. We would not have to worry about willingness to serve missions. We would not have to worry about divorce and the many requests for cancellation of temple sealings. We would not have to worry about any of those things.” Gordon B. Hinckley
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Two excellent talks can be found at lds.org – April 1985 “Oh, Is that what you meant?” – October 1990 “When couples don’t listen to each other.”
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Write down two challenges you have in your marriage…then choose gospel principles that you might use to help solve those challenges. One or two practices you can do each day. Keep a journal or notebook of what you do.
Challenge 1 - Challenge 2
Gospel Principles – Faith, Prayer, Repentance, Forgiveness, Respect, Love, Compassion, Work, Recreation, Patience.
Changing Perspective – What happens in your marriage when you feel as though you are seeing yourself and your spouse as Heavenly Father sees you both?
What happens when the cares and standards of the world seem to dominate your interactions?
What changes do you need to make to repair negative feelings and to maintain a better perspective in your relationship?
What might the Lord know about you that the two of you have not understood, such as your eternal possibilities, your pre-mortal past, the life experiences that have influenced your behavior, and your potential to achieve an eternal marriage?
How might His perspective affect the way you relate to each other?
Marriage and Family relations manual
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Fostering Equality and Unity
“In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man, neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey.
I am confident when we stand before the bar of God, there will be little mention of how much wealth we accumulated in life or of any honors which we may have achieved. But there will be searching questions about our domestic relations. And I am convinced that only those who have walked through life with love and respect and appreciation for their companions and children will receive from our eternal judge the words, ‘Well done, thou good and faithful servant……enter thou into the joy of the Lord.’ Gordon B. Hinckley
“The Savior of the world, Jesus Christ, said of those who would be part of his church: ‘Be one and if ye are not one ye are not mine.’ And at the creation of man and woman, unity for them in marriage was not given as hope; it was a command! ‘Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh.’ Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity.” Henry B. Eyring
“How tragic and utterly disgusting a phenomenon is wife abuse. Any man in this church who abuses his wife, who demeans her, who insults her, who exercises unrighteous dominion over her is unworthy to hold the priesthood. Though he may have been ordained, the heavens will withdraw, the Spirit of the Lord will be grieved and it will be amen to the authority of the priesthood of that man.
My brethren, if there be any within the sound of my voice who are guilty of such behavior, I call upon you to repent. Get on your knees and ask the Lord to forgive you. Pray for the power to control your tongue and your heavy hand. Ask for the forgiveness of your wife and your children.” Gordon B. Hinckley
“Total unselfishness is sure to accomplish another factor in successful marriage. If one spouse is forever seeking the interests, comforts and happiness of the other, the love found in courtship and cemented in marriage will grow into mighty proportions…Certainly the foods most vital for love are consideration, kindness, thoughtfulness, concern, expressions of affection, embraces of appreciation, admiration, pride, companionship, confidence,, faith, partnership, equality, and interdependence.” Spencer W. Kimball
How well do you know your spouse?
1. What is your spouses favorite color?
2. Does your spouse like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches? Smooth or Chunky?
3. Does your spouse put their pants or shirt on first?
4. What is your spouse’s favorite song?
5. What concert would your spouse pay big bucks to attend?
6. What radio station does your spouse listen to most?
7. Does your spouse have a sports hero? Who is it?
8. Is there an athlete your spouse would like to meet?
9. What movie has made your spouse cry?
10.How would your spouse dress 24/7 if they could?
11.What did you and your spouse eat the last time you ate together?
12.What is your spouses favorite book?
13.What is your spouses favorite television show?
14.Who is your spouses favorite prophet?
15.What is your spouses favorite scripture?
16.When was the last time your spouse told you they loved you?
17.When was the last time you took your spouse in your arms, looked them in they eyes and told them you loved them?
Think of a habit you have that affects your marriage relationship? 1. recognize your need for change. 2. Verbally express a desire to change 3. Make a commitment to others for change 4. Formulate a plan – write it down 5. Seek a network of support – spouse, family or friend 6. Be accountable to someone – spouse, family or friend.
Answer the questions below with?
* husband and wife make the decision together
* husband makes the decision
* wife makes the decision
* wife makes the decision consulting with husband
* husband makes the decision consulting with the wife
1. Where should the family live?
2. What job should the husband take?
3. How much time should they spend in church activities?
4. How and when should they discipline their children?
5. Where and when should the family go on vacation?
6. Should the wife work outside the home?
7. When should they have children?
8. How should the husband spend a birthday gift certificate?
9. What math class should the wife sign up for?
10. How much money should the couple donate to charity?
11. How many children should the couple have?
12. How many hours should the husband work?
13. How should the wife discipline a child when the husband is not at home?
14. What job should the wife take if she works outside the home?
15. How should a husband spend a day off from work?
16. When should the couple buy a new car?
17. How much time should each spouse spend pursuing hobbies or interests?
18. What fitness program should the husband participate in to stay in shape?
19. If the wife works outside the home, how many hours should she work?
20. How should they spend their money?
21. What hobbies should the wife pursue?
MARRIAGE
In a stable marriage . . . the partners tend to view each other through “rose-colored” glasses. They assume that each other’s positive, admirable characteristics are an intrinsic part of their personality rather than occasional flukes. . . . The good things about their relationship are considered stable and far-reaching while the bad patches or areas of tension are considered to be fleeting and situational. Even in strong relationships, too often people focus on the negatives in an effort to make the relationship all the better. But by dwelling on what is wrong in your marriage, it’s easy to lose sight of what is right. This is a primary reason that admiration is often the first thing to go . . . Nor do bad times wipe out all the good times . . . look through picture albums from past vacations, or reread some old love letters . . . you need to become the architect of your thoughts. It’s up to you to decide what your inner script will contain. You can habitually look at what is not there in your relationship, at your disappointments, and fill your mind with thoughts of irritation, hurt, and contempt. Or you can do the opposite . . . If you can learn to think empathetically rather than negatively about what your spouse is going through, and maintain your admiration for your spouse’s good qualities, you will not be plagued with overwhelming distress-maintaining thoughts that trigger defensiveness and harm your marriage . . . Make a list of your partner’s positive qualities . . . Memorize this list and think about how much harder life would be without these positives. When you find yourself following a critical train of thought about your mate, use elements from the list to interrupt your thinking. Make a habit of this process and the change can be a dramatic rethinking of your marriage. – John Gottman
