So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
Although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St Peter chains them together and says,
Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’

The next day the second woman accidentally steps on a duck
Along comes St Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed everything and
Not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly man is VERY
VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on a duck,

One day St Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
Tall, Dark, long eyelashes, and muscular.
Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,
‘Wow! What did I do to deserve being
Chained to you for all of eternity?’

I don’t know about you,
But I stepped on a duck.

Girlie Wisdom Quotes to make you laugh!

1.  A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills… she has 14 kids but she doesn’t really care..

2.  One of life’s mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

3.  My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4.  The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5.  The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does.

6.  The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

7.  Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today…

8.  Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

9.  I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my panties.

10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet, for a while, and it shrinks 2 sizes!

11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like…’You know sometimes I forget to eat!’ …..Now, I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat.  You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

12. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then they marry him.

13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day!

LIVE SIMPLY………LAUGH OFTEN……..LOVE DEEPLY

What I Want In A Man!   (Original List)

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers  punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet

Men – After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white tv, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year old girl.

Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car,  nice big bed, a plasma screen tv, but I’m sleeping with a 65-year old woman.  It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman.   She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white tv.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!  I Love my wife!

I was walking

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on…..

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!
They all started shouting ’14….14….14′…    There’s a sucker born every minute.

Gone Fishing – My sons, and two of their friends were floating the Snake River this week, they were enjoying the perfect fishing day catching fish with almost every cast until……Kyle broke his lure off with a snag, Aaron who was running the boat motor, was handing one of his poles to Kyle so he could keep fishing, then the motor hit a stump sticking out from the bank, a sudden jerk followed by a BIG splash.  Kyle had been launched overboard, back first, fully clothed, and a look on his face of shock.  Everyone scrambled to help Kyle back into the boat, His buddy managed to save the poles by hooking and reeling them in.

Thankfully everything was alright……. except for the Blackberry in Kyle’s pocket, completely water soaked, he quickly removed the battery, when they arrived home they were laughing about the Fish Tale, but…..what about the expensive Blackberry?

My daughter-in-law had previously saved her cell phone after it had been launched into the toilet.  She learned when a cell phone gets wet, to bury it in an open container filled with white rice, which soaks up all the moisture.  It took three days, but that Blackberry works just like it did before.

The only regret - they didn’t get their Funniest Home Videos

Tips – Laughter can be the BEST Medicine

Improve your health with a good belly laugh….benefits include:

*  Reduces Stress

*  Lowers blood pressure

*  Elevates mood

*  Boosts immune system

*  Improves brain functions

*  Protects your heart

*  Connects you to others

*  Fosters instant relaxation

*  Makes you feel good

Laughter can be a great workout for your diaphragm, abdominal, respiratory, facial, leg, and back muscles.  It massages abdominal organs, tones intestinal functioning, and strengthens the muscles that hold the abdominal organs in place.  Not only will your midsection get a workout, it can benefit digestion and absorption functioning, too.  It is estimated that hearty laughter can burn calories equivalent to several minutes on a rowing machine or exercise bike.  www.nationalwellness.org

Life is Full of Smiles then the Bills Come – Debt FREE – Stress Relief

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman’s (girl) bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful business man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Solving Financial problems

I call your attention to question # 11, which simply read:

#11 – LIST, IN ANY ORDER, THE FOUR SEASONS:

1.________ 2.________ 3.________ 4.________

Now, could you possibly imagine that 67% of the students gave the following answer?

1. STEELHEAD SEASON

2. DEER SEASON

3. DUCK SEASON

4. ELK SEASON

OOOOHHH – Good Old state of IDAHO!!

Your Season to Reduce Debt?

Begin warm up by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-pound potato sacks.

Then try 50-pound potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift 100-pound potato sacks in each hand, and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.   (I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

The Cutting Edge

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some strange prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, “What have we here?”
Those prints are large and round and neat,
“But Lord, they are too big for feet.”
“My child,” He said in somber tones,
“For miles I carried you along.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait.”
“You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your bum.”
“Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand.”
author unknown